Happy Christmas Harry

“No one puts Baby in a corner.”

-       Patrick Swayze, Dirty Dancing

I was pretty lucky that my school decided to send all of their students to Scout Camp (Makajawan) on Christmas Eve and Day. Here’s the buildup to the birth of Sweet Baby Jesus.

If you can’t beat em’, take a motorbike

There’s only one road to get to the school from my apartment. It’s a pretty busy road; you pass two temples and a major market going towards it. Construction began on it about 6 months ago and doesn’t show signs of stopping. On a normal day it will take me about 15 minutes to get there. On a bad day, about 40.

Tuesday is my day to do “English on Stage,” where a Thai teacher and myself will teach an English expression at the morning assembly. This starts at 7:55 AM. The previous week I was almost late because traffic was so terrible. I anticipated bad traffic again so I left early. The taxi ride goes fine until we get within a kilometer of the school (yeah, I say kilometer now) before hitting absolute gridlock. 20 minutes go by and we’ve hardly moved. I start getting a little antsy. Reason being:

1.      The gas meter is a solid inch below empty. We’ve been in this taxi for at least a half hour. I have no idea how the car hasn’t run out of gas yet.

2.      I have to be on stage in 5 minutes.

Somehow sensing I’m close to being late, the taxi driver flags over a motorbike and tells him where I need to go. I hop on the motorbike and we easily weave through the stalled traffic. We arrive at the school and I check my watch. 7:55. I pay the driver 15 baht and sprint to the stage. The Thai national anthem begins to swell as I take my place backstage. The assembly has just started. I’ve made it.

In typical Thai irony, the director gave a long speech to the students, a teacher was honored for being promoted, and another teacher taught the school a few Thai phrases – all before I went on stage. 40 minutes had passed before we explained what, “I was working my tail off” meant. Mai pen rai.

SANTA’S COMING! OH MY GOD! SANTA’S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

My school goes hard in the paint when it comes to Christmas. The English Department was in charge of putting on a Christmas skit for the school at the morning assembly. The main act was a song and dance number set to Mariah Carey’s (and Justin Bieber’s) “All I want for Christmas is You.” Earlier in the week, I was told that all native English teachers would be auditioning for the “lead” dancer. There were about 16 students and teachers dancing but one English teacher would be at the very front of the stage. I go the audition after school early in the week. The dance choreography is based completely off of this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdfh1es9QAs

I’m hit with flashbacks to YAMO/Brillianteen while trying to quickly learn these new dance moves. I looked terrible but the students were cracking up. Anyway, no other teachers ended up auditioning so I got the lead part. Like I said, I’m on the fast track to being a star here. We rehearsed the dance and skit all week after school.

I woke up at 6 AM on Friday to get some extra practice in. I was feeling awake, calm, and confident. I arrive at school dressed in pajamas for the skit.

 My “wife” (another Thai teacher) and I go on stage and wish our daughter (a student) sweet dreams on Christmas Eve. She asks if Santa’s coming that night. Duh. We put her to bed and exit the stage. I quickly put my Santa Claus costume on top of my pajamas. I tried it on the previous day but had never danced in it. It was a little loose around the waist but the legs were tight, so I figured I should be fine.

Mariah Carey starts to sing with her golden voice and the dancing begins.  I’m killing it. My finger snaps are straight out of West Side Story. My arm circles could get me into Cirque de Solei. I’m feeling really glad that I spent an hour dancing to a youtube video by myself.

A big roar comes from the crowd and I see more fingers pointing in my direction than usual. I look down and realize that my pants are at my knees. The pants slipped out from under my belt and were too big to sit comfortably at my waist, so they fell. I look like I’m halfway in a red potato sack with my pajama pants exposed.

I frantically try pulling my pants up while dancing at the same time. This holds for a few seconds and then falls back down to my thighs. My dance moves start falling apart. The other teacher I’m paired with grabs my pants and holds them while dancing.

So now this looks completely ridiculous- she’s holding my pants up while trying to dance, and I’m trying to dance while being held on to at the waist. We eventually make it through three and half minutes to thunderous applause from the audience.

But the show isn’t over. A teacher dressed up as Santa rides his motorbike around the students, yelling out various Christmas catchphrases. Once he dismounts, another teacher and I pretend to be his reindeer as we go up the stage. We couldn’t really think of how to be reindeer, so we copied the horse trot from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Here’s a visual reminder.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9nXfffeAIU

The rest of the assembly was mellower. We threw candy into the crowd and the students went nuts. I went on stage and asked questions about Christmas, giving prizes to those who answered correctly.  After the production ended we posed for pictures with teachers and students. I didn’t take these but they are some of the most painfully funny and awkward photos I’ve ever seen. Enjoy.

"THROW YA HANDS IN THE AIR, IF YOUZ A TRUE PLAYA."

I have no idea why my eyes are closed in all of these

I got several compliments on my performance from the other teachers. They thought it was a hilarious idea to drop my pants in front of the whole school. I had to quickly explain that it was an accident and I didn’t really mean for it to happen. They tended to ignore that and patted me on the back instead. A star was born.

Has anyone seen Alan?

This weekend a couple of my friends came into Bangkok. We decided to mix it up and go to one of the rooftop bars in the city. We settled on Sky Bar, which is 64 stories in the air and the tallest point in Bangkok. It’s also where they filmed a portion of The Hangover Part II – it’s the scene where Chow gets arrested by the police.

When you get off the elevator they take you a waiting area. You have to buy a drink before they let you see the grand view. No problem, we’ll just get a drink right? The cheapest one was 350 baht – about $15. Gotcha. That’ll blow the bank account pretty quick.

The view of the entire city was incredible. This was easily the nicest bar I had ever been too and it was filled with a pretty swanky crowd. It was nice feeling like a baller for 45 minutes.

The Old City

With the day off on Monday, we decided to do some traveling. Our destination for the day was Ayutthaya. This is the old capital of Thailand and is famous for its ruins and monuments. It’s only about an hour away from Bangkok so it’s perfect for a day trip. When we got there we were hounded by the local tour guides who wanted us to use their services. We initially intended to just get around on foot for the day so we just walked away from the tour guides. They followed us and ended up cutting their price by 2/3. We relented and got a driver to take us around to the all the key areas for the day. I guess literally walking away is the best bargaining technique.

The town was awesome. I felt like I was in an Indiana Jones movie as we walked around the ruins.

The Buddha in the tree

A really, really long Buddha

Next week I’m up to Chiang Mai for New Years. Merry Christmas to everyone in the states! Wishing I could be back but also very happy to be here. 

And just for fun- 

Mark

Lost in Translation

“Open the pod bay doors, HAL.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
– 2001: A Space Odyssey

“Do your best and forget the rest.” – Tony Horton, P90X

Whoa, double quote! Short post this week. Read on for why.

Writing for fun?

I wrote a really long post earlier but realized it was mainly venting about a bad day I had. Nobody's got time for that. So I deleted it.

The bad day occurred because I still don't fully understand how the Thai school system works. Every day brings new expectation for my role as a teacher. Some days I'm proofreading a worksheet for another teacher, other days I'm writing a test for hundreds of students. I'm learning to embrace these assignments with short notice and learn from them.

To process some of these rough days, I've started writing a "paper" about the Thai education system. Yeah I know, I can't believe I'm writing a paper for,err, fun. But it's so vastly different from the American system that I figured I should  write down some of my observations so I don't forget. Anyway, this has been really good for me to identify challenges I've had in the classroom and how to overcome them. I plan to do the same thing about the American education system when I get back to the States. Who knows, it might even end up in a book. You heard it here first.

Check, please

I went out to dinner the other night some other English teachers at the school. Streets in Thailand are filled with little shops and restaurants. I love going out with people who are familiar with the area because they know these great little places I would never find. This one was hidden behind a large building off the main road. It had this little garden and pond next to our seats. It was very serene.

I followed suit with everyone else ordering and got pig’s neck. It was actually really good, regardless that it was about 90% fat. In an effort to make the restaurant homier for us Farang (foreigners), the owners put a Beach Boys album on over the stereo. I love Thai people.

You know nothing Jon Snow

For the first time in three years, I will not be bringing home a fantasy football trophy this winter. In the most improbable of all situations, EVERYONE on my bench outscored EVERYONE I started, and I ended up losing by 4 points because my opponent had two players from the Bears (Thanks McCown and Jeffery). The irony is terrible. It must be a rule that you can’t win at fantasy if you’re out of the country or something. Yeah, that’s it.

Randos’

Here are some funny things I’ve found around the school and the area. They pretty much speak for themselves.

The students came up with this for a team name. So proud. Sorry my handwriting still sucks Mom.

Next week all the English teachers are singing and dancing to “All I Want for Christmas Is You” in front of the whole school. I’ll see if I can get someone to take some pix.

Mark

P.S. Sorry the text formatting is so bad. I've tried changing it but the website sucks and won't let me. It's also all in Thai. 

P.P.S. David is currently traveling around Europe. It’s sad that these two sentences are Davis’ longest blog post in the last month. 

Tis' the Season

“All I do is party. Ha ha ha ha.” – "Bounce," MSTRKRFT

Like I said last week, December is full-on Thai holiday mode. With the king’s birthday last week, Constitution Day this week, and Scout Camp, Christmas, and New Year’s coming up- the celebrations won’t stop for a while. To get festive I bought my first (and hopefully last) fake Christmas tree. I give myself points for trying.

"That's a sad lookin' Christmas Tree Charlie Brown."

King Day

The King is highly revered in Thailand. Everyone loves him and speaking poorly of him will land you in jail. As such, his birthday is a huge deal. People have the day off work to relax and be with family. It’s also is the same day as Thai Father’s Day. I had a minor freak out when someone told me this; how could I miss that Father’s Day was coming up? Anyway I remembered/researched that American Father’s Day was a couple months ago. Whew. I’ve got another few months before I can go through this again.

I met up with some friends and we headed into downtown Bangkok for the King’s Birthday. The protests weren’t happening that day out of respect for the king. That being said, there was a ton of police out to make sure nothing got out of hand. Thais filled the street dressed in yellow, the color of the king.

We ended going to Siam Mall. This is one of the most high-end malls in Thailand and it was beautiful. How often do you see a Formula 1 car hanging out?

Most of the day was sent exploring and seeing the various shops the mall had. We didn’t really end up spending much- it was pretty pricey. We lucked out and found a movie theater that was playing Catching Fire in English. It was great. Very exciting and included a standout performance by my girl Jennifer Lawrence. You looked great out there honey. Call me.

Before any movie in Thailand  begins, the Thai Royal Anthem is played. Everyone is expected to stand out of respect. This is true about the National Anthem as well. The National Anthem is played every morning at school and sometimes randomly on the streets. If it’s played, you’re expected to stop walking and stand still until the anthem ends. As a result, you see people frozen in place for several minutes and then see them start walking again in unison immediately as it ends. It’s kind of like a reverse flash mob.  

Stoop Kids on the Stoop

I’ve mentioned before the small convenience store right next to my apartment. It’s run by a small family and is sort of a gathering place for the neighborhood. There’s a patio out back that’s filled with a sporadic stream of children, teenagers, and adults. Sometimes another teacher and I will go there to enjoy a beverage or two and hang out with the crowd. Most people there can’t speak English and I can’t really speak Thai. But we’re able to trade a couple words and it ends up being fun.

Last week I met a local guitarist nicknamed Jack. He loves American songs and quickly grabbed his guitar and started playing. I was pretty proud that I could bust out every word of “Country Roads” by John Denver, much to his surprise. We ended up swapping songs and singing Thai renditions of American music. Somehow I ended up showing him how to play the one song I knew on guitar- “Wagon Wheel.” I’m pretty terrible at playing guitar. I played it about three times slower than it should  go. But he was able to pick it up and within minutes he could play the whole thing. All these ASP skills coming in handy.

The shop usually hosts parties once a month too. Here’s a birthday party they held a couple weeks ago.

Later that weekend I saw Jack again. He told me that he played “Wagon Wheel” at a gig the night before. Awesome.

Nickname?

That makes me realize- I haven’t talked about nicknames yet. All Thais have an English nickname that they’re given as children. Most of them have no meaning or significance behind them at all. Most are simple like "Bow," "Fern," "Ice," or "Benz." These are usually what I call my students because their Thai names can be difficult to pronounce. I have to keep my immaturity in check when I call on “Poo” and “Pee.”

Well, that’s the week. I’ve locked down plans to go to Chiang Mai for New Years. Chiang Mai was dubbed "The Chicago of Thailand," so I really can't go wrong there. The rest of the month should be pretty mellow as I have to save up some Baht to go. But that's OK- I just found a website that has every episode of The Sopranos. 

Mark

P.S. Sean Klamm - don't worry, I'm cranking these out on a weekly basis. We see you.

A Very Thai Thanksgiving or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Eat a Ton of Food Anyway

“I am a foreigner in a foreign land.” – Moses, Exodus 2:22

Last week marked the beginning of the holiday season with Thanksgiving. Or so I hear, as no one in Thailand had any idea what it what it is. It also didn’t really feel like Thanksgiving because it’s 70 degrees and sunny every day. I also had to work on it as well. Very surreal.

Many teachers at the school would ask me what Thanksgiving is. I had never really thought about it before.

“Well, it’s a great holiday. Families and friends all get together to celebrate everything they are thankful for. You eat tons of food the whole day. You just eat and eat. Football is on all day as well as Star Wars/James Bond/Band of Brothers TV marathons.

The premise of it is kinda BS though. It initially began as a celebration for a great harvest and friendship between the colonists and the Native Americans. But the colonists sort of killed most of the Native Americans and stole their land. So yeah. It’s come a little ways since then.”

Homesickness hit me a bit knowing that all my family and friends were back in Evanston. But whatever, it’s Thanksgiving. It’s the holidays wherever you are.

I started out by just stuffing my face with food the whole day. Extra rice at breakfast. A snack of potstickers. Some green tea with lunch? Why not!

I had plans to meet up with some other Americans to get Western food but they fell through. So I turned to the most American place I could find- KFC. I loaded up on fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and French fries. I got a Blizzard from Dairy Queen for dessert. Fun fact: the “Large” here is like a “Small” in America. I debated getting the largest size, “Take Home,” but figured I’d feel completely worthless if I ate it all by myself. Got home and skyped the parents. Boom. Thai Thanksgiving completed.

Thankfully Thais are as crazy about Christmas as Americans are. The mall next to me was completely decked out in Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving. It was very comforting to hear the Thai version of “Jingle Bells” as I bought my laundry detergent.

All in all, a very different but enjoyable Thanksgiving. Christmas music is blaring in the apartment and I’m on the prowl for a Christmas tree. I’ve finally learned my lesson not to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. I started two days before Halloween in the fall of ’10 and peaked way too early. Like Orson Welles.

Anyway, here’s some other stuff going on.

Trouble in the Streets

Some of you may have heard about the anti-government protests that recently turned violent in Bangkok. Most of the stuff you read on CNN is fairly accurate for what’s going on. The protests are pretty isolated and in downtown Bangkok, near the government buildings. I’m not near them and don’t plan to go near them, so don’t worry. The US Embassy Twitter is keeping me in the loop.

Runnin’ Down a Dream

As I’ve mentioned before, exercise is a foreign concept here. My apartment is located right on a highway, so I didn’t really have any place to run. I had resorted to running around my parking lot since I wasn’t aware of any other options. This gained me some notoriety in the neighborhood. When I went to the local market the other day, the woman who owned it smiled and pantomimed running motions. I’m Usain Bolt baby.

Another teacher told me of a good route I could take. I ran down a road near me, Sai 5, which had roads open enough for running. Every person I passed would turn their head and stare as I went by. It’s pretty funny; they’re just not used to anyone running. There’s also a bunch of shops, restaurants, and bars, so I’ve found a new area to explore.

School Dayz

Today at the morning assembly, I found out it was National AIDS Awareness Day. I don’t remember ETHS observing this day when I was in high school.  Students carried banners to the stage and held cut-outs of cartoon condoms. I can’t make this up.

Once on stage, a girl sang a song to the school. It had to do with AIDS I’m assuming. After that a small skit was performed. I couldn’t understand what they were saying but it was hilarious. It showed the negative effects of AIDS- from teen pregnancy to eventual death. That sounds very morbid but it the acting made it very humorous. Following that was a lecture from the director about the disease.

It was fascinating seeing the frankness in which the school talked about sex and AIDS. STI’s are a huge problem in Thailand, so the school deals with it head on. I’m sure this would never fly in an American school. If people are upset about the Common Core Standards, I highly doubt a dancing cardboard condom has a chance.

Well that’s all for now. Davis is in the midst of Cambridge finals, so he should have a monster post soon. Do it Davis, or I'm not getting you that Nimbus 2000 for Christmas.

Mark